Sooooo......I've been swamped lately and I can't get my things
organized and prioritize which always, without fail making me feel remorse.
Enuff with the complaining. It’s a "been there, done that” thing~ no one wants
to read bout that since I tweet bout it every day.....or do I?
SO. Lately I haven't been active with all the MF, church and what
not. For those who goes to church, well, I'm pretty sure they can sense my absence (cuz I'm not exactly a butterfly when in church). Been thinking of keeping this up cuz I've realised that I am buying more time for myself. I get to
wake up later on Sunday mornings and enjoy playing netball in the afternoon. I
can’t remember the last time I went to church. Oh... how I enjoyed my Friday
and Saturday nights. Somehow, my life is a little less hectic.
BUT..................................................
Here's the catch, I realized no matter how hard I try to run away,
there will always be something or someone bringing me back to square one.
Making me do the things I don't wanna do. Another funny thing is, I cant find
the strength to refuse. Yea, I don't have the balls to decline (or maybe cuz I
generally cant say that two-lettered word), BUT I know somewhere deep in my
heart, I do want to be involved. See this is what
I hate about myself! I want, but I don't want, I like but I don't like. Why is
it that I have this kind of thinking? This is called "being
indecisive" kan?
I actually am so fed up with myself and the fact I'm just so mada-effin
INDECISIVE. For once I just wanna stand on the mountain top, with my hair blown
by the wind, and just stare towards the horizon with my eyes slightly
squinting....oh oh and a drip of sweat rolling down my cheeks (nah, the sweat thing has no meaning, I just want it to be more hollywood-like) Yea. I'm still working on
it.
Wait. I'm out of topic. Anyways, I have this one senior taking
care of me, her name is Michelle (actually she takes care of three of us, Yen,
Totot and I) and she is like mmm how to say this.... It's kinda like a mentor
thingy, and I'm sure she expects us to be well behaved, and attend church every
week. Unfortunately I was missing in action one whole month, I probably
attended only once last month? They miss called me and texted me, I was so afraid
to even answer/read them. Some even asked me to call back, like..."uhhh no
thank you" It's like you're outside partying and your mom calls you. It is
that kind of feeling!! (I’m sure I made my point here) It ain't good.
BUT I secretly come back for more. I still wanna attend church
despite everything, I still wanna be involved God knows why. (wait, I mentioned this earlier right?) After finding my
strength, I decided to whatsapp Totot, then a few days later to Michelle. Oh yes I
did~ I confessed. I confessed that, how
I hate to disappoint others, I really do, and if I do, I want to keep a
distance from that person, because I don't want them to feel EVEN MORE upset
when they see me. To my surprise, they replied with so much of love,
encouragement and kindness. It's so warming to read such replies one of them
were like..
"NOOOO, if
you ever disappoint me or let me down, I
would never have tried so
hard to
find you back, I messaged
you many times because I really want
to, not
because I need to. I'm really worried cuz you never replied nor say
a
word"
I dunno why, but the first line touched me along all other mushy
and cheesy things they said. I was so touched by their kindness.This reminded me
of a lot of things. It made me realise, (I don't wanna say it butttt) if I
don't go to church, I feel so empty. I feel so needy. I feel funny as in....weird.
It's like when you walked to the kitchen but suddenly you forgot the very
reason why you were there at the first place. It's so weird, the fact that you can
forget in a few seconds. I can't really explain how this weird feeling is. It’s
like it’s so weird, you'd feel suicidal. Then how? If I were to be committed to
both netball and church, I'll be like signing a contract which states that
Sunday is OFFICIALLY not a weekend anymore. Thank God I have zachut for Philosophy,
so I guess I have a full Saturday. Oh oh! not to forget that my Monday is free
too! (Until I pass my damned biochemistry =.=) Anyways, I have so many things
to do yet I chose blogging over drawing my slides. Yeap, I need to pick myself
u again, cuz no matter how much advices, support and encouragement you receive
from the people around you, you won't go far if you still choose to lie down and
do nothing. Wow, I didn't mean to be deep. What? It’s such a lame post? I
didn’t forced you to read it did I? ngaahhhahaa. VELL~ that's allll! Imma be
analysing cells now!
