It was an ordinary day yesterday. Staying at home, playing with my cats, running errands and finishing the house chores. Nothing out of the ordinary. Until suddenly last night when I was sending my brother to his tuition around 7pm, I started to feel weird. On my way back, I felt this immense feel weighing on my chest.
What was it? I felt sad. For no reason whatsoever. I felt so sad I nearly cried in my car. I drove slower than usual as I drew in deep breaths. Deep breaths which I thought would help me calm down. My eyes became teary. I told myself, "Get a fucking grip Adele" and at that time I was driving along the coastal road of Tanjung Batu. I wanted to make a quick stop cuz I didnt want my parents to see me like this. I didnt cry, but I was damn sure a worried look was etched onto my face. I was worried (and still is). Why did I experience that? I didn't talk to anyone yesterday let alone text. I didnt have a fight with anyone so far. I became so emotionally unstable in just a split second. It's crazy.
When I reached home, I was occupied and lost in my thoughts. Luckily both my brothers were having their night classes so me being quieter than I normally would, doesnt seem odd to my parents. My heart at that time was aching more, it felt like an invisible hand was squeezing it harder.
So I made an assessment. To check if it was like any of my regular "sad" moments.
1. Do I feel like the need to drink my soul away? No.
2. Do I feel like taking w e 3 d? No.
3. Do I feel like hurting myself? No.
4. Do I feel like dying? Um, yea.
1/4, not at bad as that "Feb 2016" period. Where I felt like killing myself 24/7.
I feel like meeting a therapist but I dont have enough cash. And you cant find no shit here in Bintulu.
I can't tell anyone of this cuz I'm scared it will drive them further from me. Either that or they wont understand me. (Trust me, I told a portion to my dad and he thinks its just nothing) Also, I'm scared I'll be labeled as a "clingy disabled person" "mental" feeling sad all of a sudden. I'm so changed. Ever since my bad depression. I feel different.
If I dont have people loving me, I would've long gone commiting s. They are the only reason why I still stay strong. Continue living.
As for today... my mood was like an ecg reading. I tried hard to to control it. And im proud that I actually did. I did not give in to that demon of mine. I stood strong. I hope I can come out of this struggle because it's tiring. Having to constantly control my weird emotions. Prolly I'm just having a bad pms. Hopefully.
Tomorrow however, I'll be running errands again. Visit the book fair. Hopefully I can find self-motivating books. Help myself out of this dark pit. See here's the thing about being a Pisces. I am afraid to get help or to tell anyone cuz (I feel like I understand how people feel towards a cripple like me) one day I will be a burden to the people I love. I dont want that tbh :( I HATE being an extra weight in people's life. I HATE holding people back. I HATE being a loser to all the ones I love.
I had to type it out in hopes that it will make me feel better. Goodnight world. If you're a stranger who happens to stumble upon this post. Sorry you had to read all that and waste your time. May God bless you and may you have a healthier state of mind.
