Depression

I don't always blog but when I do, I'll post in multiples.

So this year has been a hard year for me. I've undergone depression several times. Experienced anxiety attacks a couple of times. Had strong suicidal thoughts countless of time. I hate depression. It locks me up in a mental cage while letting my emotions run loose like wild fire.

They go in stages:

1. Over thinking. The starter of all heart breaks. The pain of it is excruciating. Incubating all the bad and negative eggs in my head until one day they hatch into horrible monsters. God knows what they'll do to me. Tsk tsk.

2. Then I'll start feeding the little monsters with my emo playlist. And damn listening to Lana Del Ray never failed the job.

3. Feeling hurt and numb at the same time. This is when my mind is totally blank and I dont know what to do. My productivity starts waning from here.

4. The sweet escape. This involves the comsumption of alcohol. Fortunately I'm on an alcohol ban so I havent been drinking. This process shall be skipped then.

5. Chronic stage: the-I-don't-wanna-do-anything stage. Stoning is at its best on this stage. THAT or either I stay in bed all day all night. My urge to sleep increases here. Like I don't wanna live ya know? This is when I will think of how to commit suicide. It's depressing. It's killing me mentally and emotionally.

6. Recently, I've been thinking of self harming. But by doing so will hurt her more. So I wont do that. So scratch no 6.

7. Like any beast, NO ONE CAN SAVE it but that one special being. Be it the trainer or mother or sister or something. Cuz.... even the coldest Maleficent was able to be touched by someone. When I am angry or feel sad no one can make me feel better but my potatz. She is my person. She has the ability to melt my ice cold heart or tame the flames of my rage. Why can't I do that for her? :'(

* * *

Oh god. My heart is still beating hard. I'm so hurt seeing her cry like that. And the worst thing is that I dont know what's going on. How come I don't know? It's either cuz she doesn't trust me. Or she cant trust me (no. I'm not going to doubt her I know she sayangs me as much as I sayang her) . Or she thinks I won't understand. Idk. And idc. Im her best friend! I ought to know right? unless.... I am not as special as I thought I was? NO!! I should know better. She is just bad at expressing herself..... but but... why is she keeping it from her bestie?

I dont want to think tht I'm not her person. I hope that is not true. Stupid devil feeding me these thoughts. Go away negativity!!!! FUCK ALL THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS FUCK ALL OF U :'( GO AWAY AND STOP MAKING ME OVERTHINK THINGS THAT ARE NOT EVEN THERE :( I have yet to see my full depression mode. I hope I will never get to see it.